An eventful few months...

The last couple months have been up and down. I had been toying with what my post today was going to be. Posting on my blog has been on my mind for a while now.

 

I mean, it hasn't been on my mind steadily but it has come up now and then. But I've decided to dip into everything I can think of...a lot has happened since I last posted.

 

My girlfriend and I have broken up. The last 2 months had been pretty rocky with just that. We had this whole on again off again thing going. That has just recently ended. I miss her so much and I wish fate would have let us stay together. I just know it in my heart IF things were different, we wouldn't have broken up and we would be able to work anything out…but hey that's my feeling and I wont play that what if game anymore then just saying that.

 

I had A LOT more I wanted to say about not just us breaking up but recent events have taken over my mind. I only pointed that out because the more time goes on; the more things seem to get serious.

 

After re-reading some of this over, it could be seen as just blabbing on so ill just get to the point.

 

A couple months ago I learnt that my friend Mladen Hristov needed surgery to remove a brain tumor. It wasn't cancerous as I was told but it could have still killed him. He had to reschedule it to about late October.

 

On the 7^th of November he died after a series of complications. I know he had a stroke at one point and was quickly put in a drug induced coma….after that, I was not told by immediate family what happened. He died at the age of 21, I am 22 years of age and this is about 6 months difference.

 

I don't know how many of you readers will understand what it is like to have a close friend of yours or even a friend that is in your close circle of friends to die and die so unfairly. He was very young and went in there with a high success rate of making it out alive.

 

I consider him a brave man who died fairly happy. Sure he was nervous but he went in confident and knew he would beat this thing. He will be missed by me and all of our friends.

 

Our friends are finding some I guess the words I am looking for are meaning or maybe symbolize of him. When we found out about his passing, a couple of people had spoken to him before his surgery.

 

He said to them, jokingly, "If I don't make it, Ill make sure we make it CAL from the grave"

 

CAL is a really good group of Counter-Strike players, whom I guess run a competition of some kind (yes a computer game). I had never really been good enough in that game to know the jargon perfectly or to compete against or in CAL. Mladen had started the group and even came up with the group's name that our friends use. The name is Must Be Hacks (MBH) and since his passing and even during his coma state, we had not lost a game since to make it there.

 

That was more explanation then I had anticipated. Saying this verbally makes it all seem smaller then it really is….anyways.

 

Just today I learnt from my now Ex-girlfriend that her father had a stroke. I was stunned to learn this because amongst this, she had already been going threw a lot of things which I won't get into.

 

For her sake and sanity I pray to god that her father doesn't die. I hope he will be okay. I don't know him but I do know he isn't a bad person. I don't even know what else I could say about this. I just know that if he dies…I wouldn't know where I could help or what I could do for her.

 

I know I'm the ex now but its still fairly fresh and I can't just stop loving her over night. I care about her and he well being. Honey, if you are reading this, I hope you know that I am here for you as a friend.

 

I know saying friend and honey in the same sentence doesn't work too well…but I'm not expecting to get back together. We both know what is exactly going on between us; we don't need to talk about that at any point in the near future.

 

What you are going threw, is what is important!

 

As I think about everything that has happened on your end I start to wonder if God was telling you to not go to collage this semester. I mean look at everything that has ultimately made you pull out. He works in mysterious ways, that is for sure and all of it is too much to think it as one long string of coincidences. Who gets sick and sprains ankles and has thing after thing come up like this 1 after another? God loves all and he is trying to telling you, show you or prepare you for something…what that is, is between you and him.

 

You are definitely on my mind and in my prayers no matter what happens. We will become just as good a friends again one day, I know my love for you will alter a bit but it wont alter far because my love is unconditional for you. You might or might not want to hear that right now but I wanted to say it and let you know that I will always have an open ear for you.

 

You were always there for me in my times of need and I hope you just know it in you even if you cant or don't want it, I'm here.

 

With that out of my system, I don't know what else to say. Who knows, I might or might not post tomorrow…but I know it is late know.

 

I wish I could end this post off on a more positive note but I don't think I can.

 

That's all for now, until next time…

Im having a hard time getting my ideas down today. I cant seem to type out what i want to say very well. My post today might be very random or hard to read just so you all know lol...

Im sick with just a normal cold. it still sucks though. It's summer and Im hoping to see my girlfriend today. She had been busy for the last 2 days...ya 2 days and I miss her like crazy.

Her and I have had our arguments in the past but I love her even more for them. it shows she cares for me more then Ive had anyone else do. my one hope is that we love each other just as much as we did when our relationship was newer.

Arg, im getting a bit frustrated. Im not feeling im getting my ideas out still....this post is taking forever.

I guess I say those things about me and my g/f because i reread a post she had posted months ago about me. I loved to read it again but it made me wanted to change recent events. Her and I have argued, some major some not. I know we love each other but the fact that some of these arguements happened almost feels like stain on a police record you want to fix. I want to show her how much i really love her and hope we can get back into almost a honey moon phase again. I want to do everything in my power to change this.

It is things like these that I both love and hate to look into the past. You can never really know how someone will take what you are saying. Most of the time when i say things like this, Im not talking about 1 particular incident that might be negitive or positive. I usually mean well.

Her life is still a bit crazy with school amongst other things, and I want to know her and be with her for the rest of my life. Due to various stresses both she and I have, which I am not getting into, marriage might or might not happen in the future. That might be jumping the gun in some peoples eyes, but not me. I can still see a future with her. She knows I want to marry her and Im certain if these stresses in our lives were different she would be wanting the same...but if I have to settle for just friends that is ok too. I know for a big chunk of time, I will be hurting that I lost the love of my life but most people dont realize how strong our friendship is. She is an amazing person.

Anyways, enough said about that. I seem to not have much trouble getting my ideas down anymore but that doesnt mean I dont feel I have gotten out everything i could have. Hopefully I'm understood...time will tell. Weird how your brain works huh?

Im really getting anxious for the new season of Smallville. I cant wait for it. I love the superman story and I cant get enough from wherever it comes from.

Also, come October a new computer game is coming out that both my friend myles and I will be playing. It looks really kick ass and he is the one who told me about it. if you want to check it out here is the link, you will have to copy and paste it in tho...im feeling a bit lazy and I dont want to spend the time to add it in my links properly lol.

No matter what happens though, im sure my girl wont like me to play this game as much as I would like too lol...just as well, the last time the game makers (of this game) made a game i got addicted to it hardcore. lol...good thing i have friends to help me out now. love you all :)

www.hellgatelondon.com

so I think that is all for now...hopefully today works out for the best. later all.

I love you honey! :)

What an eventful last couple weeks!

Well this month has been..."eventful" lol. It got a little rocky between the "wife" and I during mid July and near the end we worked it out. It's all complicated but the important thing is we understand and still love each other.

In other news, this past long weekend was just amazing. A couple months ago I had realized my Uncle Gray's 40th Birthday was coming up.  40 is an important age and it made both of us realize what is important in life. For me, it made realize what his role was and is in my life.

In case I havent explained before, I never really had a father. My real father didnt care enough about me to call or hang out with me and have those usual bonding experiences a parent usually has with their child. I later found out whenever he did call me and hung out, it was really my mom nagging him to do so before hand. This new info really took away from the few experiences i had with him. Recently i had met up with him after about 10 or so years of nothing. It was awkward to say the least. I dont really want to see him again. I have a father already.

I told Gray how I felt. I told him that he was pretty much my father and not once did he ever feel uncomfortable about it when i was younger. these were the only bonding experiences I had with an adult male. He really appreciated hearing it and I loved saying it. During this time we also recalled various memories we shared.

I dont know how anyone else will reacted to this information...but for all of you who might not understand or has a loving father, I just ask you one question. Can you put yourself in my shoes and pretend to know what it is like to not have a father?

It's really hard to do because so many people take things like that for granted.  Ive known him for about 12-13 years and My Uncle Gray is the only father I've known. Everyday that goes by when i really think about it, I know that I'm turning to be more and more like him. I think how would he deal with any kind of situation?

Anyways that went well and so did the rest of my visit at The Cottage. I saw my whole family. I just had a blast doing a catch up. It is also undescribable but I felt more mature. The only way i can really touch on this subject is by telling you that as an adult, I now feel comfortable talking to my grandmother (whom is essentially my mom) about anything. I couldnt talk to her about something to do with sex or my relationships but now I can. To me it shows ive grown up and I love it...this is how i felt.

during the weekend the family set off some fireworks and the next day, Gray and I went to the corner store. It is 2.5 Kilometers away. Its the country right...so .5km of that trip is dirt road, no bigger then the size of 1 lane...1 way and the rest is a highway that isnt too busy. So, I explain this because I drove for the first time.

I was a bit nervous at first but as I started to drive i relaxed. It was all so new to me but I loved it. I was a lot better at it then I thought i would be. I dont have a lead foot like you see in the movies but wow is that gas peddle sensitive! Gray said he wasnt as scared about it as he thought he would be. I was easier to teach then others or something like that.

He told me to the basic stuff take the van out of park and put it into drive and since we were on top of a hill, i didnt have to hit the gas till down at the bottom when it went up a bit. he also told me about steering.

Well...it was all just fun and now i am realizing I can drive after all. All the reasons i thought i couldnt drive for are no reasons at all. He told me my neck problems and my mild torrettes syndrome will not be an issue and they werent!  I will be getting my drivers license when i get a job and the money for it!

today I was with my G/F for an important doctors appointment. I dont go into what it was for but lets just say it went well and we are both glad that she is in good health.

Anyways, that is all for now, Ill try to post sooner!

Friday night was so much fun! In fact all of Friday was so much fun. I got to spend the day running around and shopping for food and stuff we needed for my apartment.

And by “we”, I mean me and my loving girlfriend. I could see how it could seem boring to some or to even couples. It’s just I feel almost blessed. As I’m sure I said in my last post, I don’t believe in the fairy tale happily ever after type relationship…but do in soul mates and having it get pretty damn close to that happily ever after.
I love shopping and doing errands with her and when I brought all that food and stuff home, we cooked a big meal for Myself, Her, my friend Mike and his GF Kelsi.

After the food was eaten, we ended up playing a board game…Payday. It was just an amazing night. I wish I could have had more people over Friday but I think for now that was also nice to just have the 4 of us.

The only minor downside to last night is I had 2 door to door salemen…from the same company come to my door in the span of about 30-45 minutes. I swear the first guy was only down the hall when the 2nd guy knocked and they were selling the same shit…how fucking stupid is that?

Lol…anyways. Im tired and it’s late plus im due at the Wife’s in the morning ASAP…2am right now…ya im gonna get it later

Night all :)

Testing blogger email posting

This would be the first time i would be testing out this function of my blog. This is actually me emailing it to my blog...weird function. I figure if you can access the web then why not just go to your own blog. It wouldnt take long lol...

 

Anyways, a lot has happened over the last month. I do have a girlfriend now. that is exciting! She is the best thing for me. I love her and I know she loves me too. Im just loving every bit of this relationship. Ive never had anything like it before. We get along so well and communicate so well. we can work anything out and I am so comfortable around her.

 

I had been single for so long that i was used to it almost, I was getting used to the idea of being alone for the rest of my life...you know kinda like ina movie, like Rambo or John Mclan (Die hard), and even Superman. Sounds dramatic...I konw, I am a dramatic thinker (which is why I am so good at writing stories, I feel). But now, I cant picture a life a lone and a life without her. Ive known her for a while before dating and if all feels natural with her since we just get along so well.

 

I love you, babe! <3

 

We just had our 1 month anniversary. I am kinda broke. Im having some bigish money problems so i couldnt take her out or anything. but that didnt really matter. We had fun ^^

 

lol anyways. as for today, there was a ferrari festivale in Ottawa today. It was really cool. I had fun walking around looking at the cars. I saw 1 lambrogini in the mix which I think would have smoked all the other cars with a decent driver.

 

the driver to that car was a nervous driver, barely took it out of 2nd gear and was one of the few who didnt do any burn out when it was time to show them off. I know my friend Jason could drive the shit out of that car.

 

the festivale was kinda shitty thought. sure the cars were awesome which was nice to see...but there were no portible tiolets and no hot dog stands anywhere. so if I had to shit or needed water, I had to do some walking or go into a restaurant. that kinda sucks, especially when it is a hot day.

 

anyways peace out guys.

For all you people in Barhaven....Ottawa Ontario and bored as hell out there, help sign this petion.

http://www.petitiononline.com/mod_perl/signed.cgi?01337&1

It is a petition to a bank in barhaven to help bring an Internet Cafe there. So sign it and help my friend Drew!

Thats all for now,

Thanks for reading

I have seen, watched, and listened anything I can get my hands on involving Tupac Amaru Shakur and yet I know there is a lot more I have not gotten at. I don’t mean stupid knowledgeable shit like…ok he took a dump at 3:45 pm on a Tuesday in 94. I’m obviously talking about interviews, court cases, events in his life, videos, songs, and him just plain talking to people.

For some time I truly didn’t understand how he changed from a political human’s rights rapper to a ‘gangster’ rapper, flashing money to the cameras. I read an interview on the this website:

http://www.donkilluminati.com/tupacsinterviews.htm

Reading those interviews and paying close attention to small parts of them is when I realized and totally understood the change.

From the start of his career, it was him against everyone. He told the ugly side of life that no one was willing to hear, even though it had to be told. He was for getting rid of poverty and against not just corrupt cops but the root of it was corruption in general. He believed in equal rights regardless of skin color, your sex, or sexual preference.

People started to hound him day and night all for different reasons and from how he grew up, it put him in a vulnerable position. He was used to hanging out with people he didn’t know that well. That can be very dangerous.

In my eyes, he got backed in a corner he did not see. From one side he was going to court everyday for things he might have said or people trying get money from him and then from the other side people in the rap industry were trying to get him too but more in a life and death sense.

So, all of this at one point was just too much for him to handle. He was going to court for being wrongly accused in a ‘rape’ charge. It wasn’t even rape, it was forcible touching the bottox but when you read the interviews, and his side of the story makes sense to at bare minimum his character.

During this time, he got robbed and shot 5 times in a building where he thought he would be safe. 2 black people robbed him, one person outside and 1 person inside with an apartment like door where you need to be buzzed in for security. It was a building where his friends (at the time the bad boy crew) worked. Puffy and Biggie wouldn’t look or even approach Tupac. They seemed distant and another named Sean (whom I think is the rapper Mase) started to cry his ass off…like total rolling sobs the instant Tupac came into view.

It was then that he started to change and started to believe Thug Life was dead to him. To him Thug Life was a way of life that the world itself was doing. He had went to court the morning after he was shot and saw no remorse, the judge didn’t look at him once during that time, the jury didn’t really care or was really shocked to see him there. No one cared. When he left after court was out for the day or the trial was over, he saw the press was touching his legs and bumping into him just to watch him suffer and moan in pain. He felt it was like everyone was all vultures. That is when ‘Thug Life”, which he represented along and with no help for so long, was dead to him. When he was going into Jail, he said he couldn’t remember how to rap, he couldn’t even remember the lyrics to his own songs. It was all just too much for him. That way it sounded when I read it, it was like he was a broken man.

So, I look at it like he was somewhat feeling empty, maybe a bit depressed and angry and the entire situation. How he got there, how he was robbed and shot, how his supposed friends reacted to it, how he was just left for ‘dead’ by his record label, interscop, and the fact that people in NewYork dissed him while he was in jail and couldn’t do anything about it.

I think and in my opinion, he must have just absorbed everything that happened in jail and used it in a positive sense. He used his year in jail and applied it to what he already knew about Rap. The friends he made in jail and the guards involved in his life some how all some how, maybe subconsciously, lead him to the Rap music he made later in his life.

Before he went to jail, he made songs like Dear Mama and Brenda’s got a baby, after he got out, he made songs like 2 of amerikaz most wanted and Hit’em up.
Can you not see the change? After he got out of jail, he wasn’t as stressed. He was with a group of people that he felt was like him. It was finally a home that would help him. The first place to help him in all his career.

“In my mind, I’d be shaper and the venom will be more potent”

“You don’t threw more gasoline on a fire to put it out”

– tupac speaking incase if he went to jail.

I see the change and it is now in plain view to me. I see this as a major even in his life that no one has really touched upon. If I could make my opinion known I would. For know all I can hope for is that some people read this post, decide to read the 2nd interview on the link above and maybe see what I’m talking about. Hmmm, at some point I might make a YouTube.com video.

Until then, thanks for reading this.